It's not the guy, but the bond of being a parent...

Sometimes, I look at photos, watch videos of when the children were babies or laugh at stories with the kids about the past and the smile on my face has a secret deep hidden pain behind it. I can't share this pain because it wouldn't be understood. My new boyfriend would think I'm still holding onto feelings for my ex. My family would wonder why I would be sad over someone who probably has more anger and hatred towards me than anyone has ever had towards me in my life. I often wonder why the pain is still there myself. Yes, at one time there was a lot of love we once shared, my ex and I. Yes, I thought we would be together forever. And yes, there are also many reasons why it didn't last and why we are better off today because we are apart. So why does this pain linger? Where is it from?  

But, today I had a thought... 

It's not my ex that brings on the deep heart wrenching sadness. But, the bond you share with the other parent of your children. The moment my three daughters came into this world, he was there with me. Besides the doctors and nurses, he was the only other person with me to see their sweet face for the first time, to hear their first quiet little cry. The scare we had when our youngest couldn't breath on her own was shared by us together. The first thoughts if our very first daughter coming into our lives, the day we went to the hospital, the names we discussed, the room we had ready and waiting for each child to come home to. The first day of kindergarten. All of those things meant so much to me and no matter how much he has changed, I know I wouldn't have my children without their father(s). So i will always be grateful for that ex of mine. I wouldn't change what we once had, I wouldn't change a thing about our three lively funny sweet little ladies! And when you share 13 years of their life with that other parent and then they suddenly decide you are not even a friend of theirs, it's hard. You lose someone that can share loving and funny memories and stories of the babies first few years of life.  

So I guess if I had it my way, I'd wish for peace and have the ex as a friend to share the children's lives with. Just because we have moved on with our lives, we are still and will always be the only parents these children have. And I think they deserve to see us happy together because after all, we should still be happy and proud of the three girls we created!! 

I am sure we will create a lot more memories with the wonderful new people in our lives and I am looking forward to that. 

But, I just hope the children know and I wish the Ex knew that: There is so much happiness in my heart for each and every child and for every moment I have spent with each child that I can forgive the ex for most anything, just to give the children an hour of happiness with both of their parents. Im sure that having both of their parents smiling and proudly standing tall together would mean the world to a child. We should be proud because, after all we did create that special child together!! 

No matter how it ended, who we ended up with, we are their parents. that bond cannot be broken.