Made it safely through a Friday the 13th

Some of my family was concerned about the date. I was a lil worried, I feel like when something, even if it affects me in horrible ways, it's usually someone else that leaves or dies, etc. 

So it's now Friday the 14! And the family is healthy and here with me still. I do have concerns about my Rebecca, she has lost a lot if weight. She is very depressed and even though she may smile around her friends and run up and hug all that she sees, she still keeps her guard up. I just wish I could bring her back from the hole she puts herself in when she's this depressed and angry, 

The girls are dong great with their school work! I am very proud of all of them this year! We do miss our big hugs at the moment because of my surgery. They never forget to walk up to me and ask me how I feel, give me kisses and a very nervous gentle hug on my arm so they don't wont hurt me. I have some very funny, sometimes emotional, sweet, giggly and caring lil girls. 

So I stil hope they know how much I love them.

I want them to know how wonderful they are to me each and everyday! 

Friday the 13th & Christmas Traditions

Well this is my favorite time of year! I love decorating and listening and singing along with the carols! I love the movies! And I love getting lil things to surprise my children and family. I don't have a lot of money. Especially this year, trying to help my Becca Boo get over these head aches and having her father not help with the extra health costs has put me in debt. But, I want her happy and healthy again!! 

But, between my mom and I, we have been running around finding things that we hope the girls will love. Christopher too, but I never know what he actually appreciates other than expensive game systems, which he knows I can't afford. He hasn't found a job in over a year and I can no longer pay for his rent. So I've been crying a lot over that because I have a feeling I'm going to have to just not pay. And that means he may end up on the street! I'm not sure how to handle that!! How does a Mom go on living in a warm house, eating warm meals,  laughing along with family when you don't know if your first born, son is out starving, freezing on the streets?!? 

But, back to Christmas!! I love it. But, I'm a little hurt this year. All year long, my teens jump in the car and change the radio stations to whatever they want to hear. But this one month where I just want to hear my carols and she fusses and gets downright mean. Then I love that a few years ago, all of my daughters and I get our picture taken together with Sabta. But, I'm told this year how much she hates it.. I just don't get it. They hate it all. Then Christmas morning, I don't hear a complaint about the gifts. I guess they still love that part. But, it's hurtful and seems unfair to me to ruin or take away my happiness during this time if year, but still expect gifts.. TEENS!?!? I'm so glad I still have the lil ones to have fun with.. 

But, I'm not giving up! I'm still hoping for a wonderful Christmas and I can't wait to surprise my kids with lots of fun stuff! 

Now, my 13 issue: I have a history with this number causing me much heartbreak and distress. Of course, it's not the number itself, it just seems that the bad stuff happen during the 13th day, year, etc. 

Here's a lil backup for you. First I was 13 years old when I lost my father in a Daytona race car accident on Feb Friday the 13th. Years later, we lost his sister suddenly from a brain aneurism on Feb 13th! My son was 13 years old when he did something so horrible that it changed every thing in my heart and soul and changed the family too. Then after 13 years of marriage, my hubby suddenly decides he didn't want to be married anymore. Then during the separation and divorce, my daughter turned 13 and we got into a fight and she left to live with her father. For 9 months, I missed her like crazy. Now, here we are in 2013 and I was worried, but it actually seemed to be a great year for me up until my Grandfather past away. And I had some corrective surgery and guess what?! It got screwed up and I have to go back today for a second surgery! And it is Friday the 13th.. So, you can see why I'm

Worried.. But, I've spoken to God. I know my children need me. Hopefully, everything will go smoothly. 

But, just in case something goes terribly wrong, I just hope my mother knows how much I appreciates everything she has ever done for me!! I hope my brother and his family never take each other for granted and they keep loving and holding on tight to one another everyday!! And I hope so badly that all of my children know I adore them and love them with all of my heart and soul! I want my son to find his way in life and start making better decisions. I hope my daughter knows that life doesn't have to be so painful and heartbreaking! I know it's been hard on her, but I want her to rise above the pain and anger and see all that this world has to offer her! And to my two lil ones, I know they will have lots of love forever in their lives and I hope they know I'm always there for them! I will be watching over all of them and hoping they make decisions that will make them strong in life and not put burdens or bad habits in the way if a better future. I will always love who their dad once was because we have three beautiful babies because if our love that we once shared. 

And Zach, you have been the most amazing man to me and I may have to come haunt you a bit if you meet someone new one day, but you deserve to be happy and whoever it is, she's a lucky girl! I know I have been very lucky to have found you! You are my sweetheart forever and always! 

I love you all. See you after surgery!! 

My prayer for my children

Dear God, 

I know you have been there by my side all of my life. I know I have missed church and I hope you can forgive me for that. I have my four beautiful children that you blessed me with and I feel like I haven't done the best job as a mom. I have been too emotional, I have been weak, I have been quick tempered at times and even too exhausted to really do my job. I have a 19 yr old son and a 16 yr old daughter that have seen me at my worst. I have gone through depression right in front of their eyes. I've gone through a total heartbreak and sort of a mental breakdown when my husband walked out on me. They saw me and I feel so guilty that they had to see me so bad off. I should have been strong for them, but instead I fell apart and at times, I think they were being strong for me. So God, please watch over my two oldest and help them to know how much I love them and please help them to find their way through this mess. I know if anyone can help them find their way to success and happiness, it's you God!! My younger two are doing pretty good. My little 9 yr old is still sad at times and is having a hard time accepting the divorce, still.. She likes my boyfriend a lot and she likes her daddy's girlfriend too. But, she needs help being strong and having you in her heart. She wants to be so close to you, God. So please stay in her heart and help her be strong. And the little 'baby' of the family is doing wonderful. As long as she is reminded that we love her and she is our lil doll baby, she's a pretty happy little lady. 

So thank you God for being there and helping me find my way and please know you are always in my mind and heart because I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

Thank you God for the life you have given me and for the babies you have put into my life and into my heart! 

My Fault? His Fault? Who cares?! God, please Help!

Ever since the day my ex and I sat down with our second oldest, my children's lives have started to change. My oldest, my sons life had already gone bad between my ex and him. But, that moment we told my oldest daughter, her spirit changed, it completely broke. She went from happy, loved the world, loving her life, just all around happy silly carefree giggly lil girl. I remember my mother knew this old song called, I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA. Now, about 4 years later, the song that comes to mind when thinking about my daughter is, I hate the world today. Of course she's 16 now and most girls are 'hating' life at that age. But, the problems I thought I may encounter with my son, not only did I encounter them and more with him, I have had to deal with her as well. She is a very outgoing, free spirited lil thing. I knew she'd want to try things, but I knew she had a good head on her shoulders. But, the divorce made her sad and trying things became a good way to leave this world behind even for a few minutes. And then she started to lose the relationship she had with her father and that was huge. She was a Daddy's girl, 100%!! Now she doesn't want to speak to him because of the choices he has made. She has started smoking cigarettes, loves smoking pot and apparently lives the taste of beer. I guess I'm considered lucky because she is open and honest with me. Actually, I do feel lucky that she feels she can talk to me about pretty much anything. But, I'm so worried! 

As a parent you feel like you failed. Having an ex that has screwed up in so many ways, I feel myself wanting to blIm him also. And honestly, it most likely has a lot to do with both of us, along with the things that she has gone through personally and her personality type in general. Maybe she would have tried a lot of these things even if we were still together today. But, none of that matters now. 

Now, the only thing that matters, is her health. How can I help her to quit smoking? How can I help her deal with life, life's let downs and her anger without needed tobacco, alcohol and it drugs as a crutch?!?! 

And I see how her two youngest sisters look up to her, so how can I keep them from following her down the same path? 

I almost keep her home too much. I rarely let her go out. I want to keep her in a bubble hoping she will forget that other part of her life. I know this isn't reality. The moment she is away from me, she sneaks a ciggarette. And when she's with get friends, I'm sure she's doing more than that. So how can I let her go have fun, hope that even if she does try things like a lot of kids her age are doing, that it will be just for now, just while hanging out and it won't turn into an addiction?! 

That's the hardest part about being a parent. What's normal? What's not? What will affect them when the are adults, what will they carry over to adulthood? You don't get to know. You just pray that they make it safely through each day and stay healthy. 

So go whatever reason or reasons my son or my daughter started doing these things or will start other things doesn't really matter. What matters is that I stand by their side and help them when they need me and try my best to show them the right way without shoving my way. 

I love all of my babies that are growing up too fast!! I hope they will always know I'm here and I will be here for them always and for anything they need. 

Oct. 16, 2013 Court

Well, I did it. I took him back to court. He saw them less than 25 days within the last 365 days. So, Yes, I get my girls way more often and yes, he should pay accordingly, but I honestly hoped and prayed that the fear of having to pay me more money would make him see them like he used too. Help him remember the kind of father he used to be... 

So we went to court and I guess you could say, I won.. But, I don't feel like a winner. I feel sad and sick to my tummy. I got custody of my girls, I do love saying that!! They are my babies!! But, he didn't even fight it. He gave it up.. That just breaks my heart! What is wrong with him? He didn't get upset or mad at all until they said he had to pay more money. And I'm sure everyone is thinking that's what I was after, but it wasn't, it isn't. I want him to be their Daddy!!! 

So nobody won!! Actually the only people that really lost are my children! Extra money doesn't replace their daddy!! 

So he will continue to hate me, continue to distance himself from his children. 

And I will always love who he once was because he gave me my baby girls and I will always hope that one day he will find his way back into their lives and be there for his girls again.. 

As for now, I'm using the extra money for the younger two to finally take gymnastics and for my older daughter to get her license and maybe her first car. My son still needs help now and then, so it will be easier to help him with my money if I have more for the girls. But he needs to start paying his own bills, so I have to stop helping him as often too, but that is so hard to do.. But he is taking classes and hopes to have a job before the end of the year!! 

It's almost the end of 2013 and even though I was fearful of that number 13, I'd say it's been an ok year except for the loss of my sweet Grandaddy. 

I love you my sweet baby boy and three sweet beautiful baby girls!! Every single day and forever and always!! 

Love me!! 

She missing her Daddy and it shows

You know when you've just ended a relationship or you've been single for a while and you see a cute couple holding hands or just laughing and being sweet together and you can't help but smile, but you feel sad too. Well, today I saw that look in someone's eyes. It was my 9 yr old little girls eyes and in her face too. It broke my heart! 

I walked in about to sit down to watch tv with everyone else and stopped to look at all these silly girls and my sweet Zach. And there I saw my lil girl looking over at Zach holding his lil girl and rubbing her back and it was written all over my babies face. She was missing her daddy. Her eyes were so sad. My heart just ached for her. I walked over and gave her a big hug. I whispered in her ear and told her that, I loved her and that I could read her mind and just wanted to make sure she knew how much I loved her. She squeezed me even tighter and wouldn't let go. So I whispered, you know your daddy loves you too, right? And I felt her nod a tiny bit. Normally, I would call or text a father or any parent and let them know how much they were missed, but I have done that in the past and I got either no response or I got fussed at. So I guess I will hug my baby girl and pray that she knows that I love her so much and her sisters and family love her too. It was just so sad to see.. 

Back to school for the kids... AND FOR ME!!!!

Waiting for my latest homework assignment to upload... And I sit here wondering if I can actually do this. I know its all new, going to school, but its been so hard and even though the school work is challenging, that's not whats been so hard. Its the kids and the housework!!  Don't get me wrong, Zach is a huge help!! I knew they were spoiled, but geesh!! Becca is having major headaches and they started about a week or more ago. Now they just won't go away with any pain killers. I'm worried about her! So I have that to deal with that and a doctor apt for her later today. Hopefully, that will bring some answers. But, even if she is feeling better, umm she will still have dishes and left over food in her room. I know that's typical, I remember my brother being awful about that. I used to help mom and would find the most disgusting things in his room. But, even the little ones, they go for one snack and then I find jelly everywhere. They are so creative and have great imaginations, but anyone with a creative kid always on the go, knows that means a big mess mostly everyday that they don't clean up!!
How can I be there for my kids, get their school forms done, doctor apts made, give them my love and actually do well in school at the same time?? Im so excited to finally be on my way, but scared to death that Im going to fail or my house is going to be a sticky crumby mess!! Sticky floors and counters make me cringe like fingernails on a chalkboard kinda cringe!! We went to the beach before I started classes and I hadn't quite unpacked and cleaned up after the trip before I started getting ready for school. My youngest was tired and having a mean moment when she screamed, Your house is a mess! I swear that killed me! Being told that I had a dirty house is one of the worst cut downs for me!!
I have 6 'A's in one of my classes already, but we do our work in class. My other class, we get homework and here I am trying to catch up and hope to go to the bay this weekend and I just don't see it happening.
Ugh. Anyway, Just needed to rant a lil while my file uploaded..
As the lil train once said, I think I can! I think I can!!
Oh and my sweet 16 year old even caught a pic of me on my first day back to school. LOL
Here I am.. Ready to go!!