Friday the 13th & Christmas Traditions

Well this is my favorite time of year! I love decorating and listening and singing along with the carols! I love the movies! And I love getting lil things to surprise my children and family. I don't have a lot of money. Especially this year, trying to help my Becca Boo get over these head aches and having her father not help with the extra health costs has put me in debt. But, I want her happy and healthy again!! 

But, between my mom and I, we have been running around finding things that we hope the girls will love. Christopher too, but I never know what he actually appreciates other than expensive game systems, which he knows I can't afford. He hasn't found a job in over a year and I can no longer pay for his rent. So I've been crying a lot over that because I have a feeling I'm going to have to just not pay. And that means he may end up on the street! I'm not sure how to handle that!! How does a Mom go on living in a warm house, eating warm meals,  laughing along with family when you don't know if your first born, son is out starving, freezing on the streets?!? 

But, back to Christmas!! I love it. But, I'm a little hurt this year. All year long, my teens jump in the car and change the radio stations to whatever they want to hear. But this one month where I just want to hear my carols and she fusses and gets downright mean. Then I love that a few years ago, all of my daughters and I get our picture taken together with Sabta. But, I'm told this year how much she hates it.. I just don't get it. They hate it all. Then Christmas morning, I don't hear a complaint about the gifts. I guess they still love that part. But, it's hurtful and seems unfair to me to ruin or take away my happiness during this time if year, but still expect gifts.. TEENS!?!? I'm so glad I still have the lil ones to have fun with.. 

But, I'm not giving up! I'm still hoping for a wonderful Christmas and I can't wait to surprise my kids with lots of fun stuff! 

Now, my 13 issue: I have a history with this number causing me much heartbreak and distress. Of course, it's not the number itself, it just seems that the bad stuff happen during the 13th day, year, etc. 

Here's a lil backup for you. First I was 13 years old when I lost my father in a Daytona race car accident on Feb Friday the 13th. Years later, we lost his sister suddenly from a brain aneurism on Feb 13th! My son was 13 years old when he did something so horrible that it changed every thing in my heart and soul and changed the family too. Then after 13 years of marriage, my hubby suddenly decides he didn't want to be married anymore. Then during the separation and divorce, my daughter turned 13 and we got into a fight and she left to live with her father. For 9 months, I missed her like crazy. Now, here we are in 2013 and I was worried, but it actually seemed to be a great year for me up until my Grandfather past away. And I had some corrective surgery and guess what?! It got screwed up and I have to go back today for a second surgery! And it is Friday the 13th.. So, you can see why I'm

Worried.. But, I've spoken to God. I know my children need me. Hopefully, everything will go smoothly. 

But, just in case something goes terribly wrong, I just hope my mother knows how much I appreciates everything she has ever done for me!! I hope my brother and his family never take each other for granted and they keep loving and holding on tight to one another everyday!! And I hope so badly that all of my children know I adore them and love them with all of my heart and soul! I want my son to find his way in life and start making better decisions. I hope my daughter knows that life doesn't have to be so painful and heartbreaking! I know it's been hard on her, but I want her to rise above the pain and anger and see all that this world has to offer her! And to my two lil ones, I know they will have lots of love forever in their lives and I hope they know I'm always there for them! I will be watching over all of them and hoping they make decisions that will make them strong in life and not put burdens or bad habits in the way if a better future. I will always love who their dad once was because we have three beautiful babies because if our love that we once shared. 

And Zach, you have been the most amazing man to me and I may have to come haunt you a bit if you meet someone new one day, but you deserve to be happy and whoever it is, she's a lucky girl! I know I have been very lucky to have found you! You are my sweetheart forever and always! 

I love you all. See you after surgery!! 

One crazy week!

My youngest ones had a wonderful week at vacation bible school and I was so proud of myself for getting them there. Every summer, I mean to register and take them to it, but I end up wanting to sleep in instead. But honestly, who am I kidding, they never let me sleep in anyway. But tomorrow they have their last day and then it's the big musical skit they put on and dinner and I couldn't be more excited!! 

On the other hand, my son is still struggling with money, but he did get a part time job!! I'm so proud and happy for him! This is going to be huge for his self esteem and paying his own bills. 

Then my silly 16 yr old was doing dishes as I had asked her to do and at the same time, she tried to make pasta. But ended up spilling the boiling water over on her hand. It looked awful and she was screaming so bad. I raced her to the er and they dressed it and gave her a shot of morphine. So far, she's healing up pretty well. But, there was a moment when after her father told me, "No", he couldn't help me with her meds that I was nearly brought to tears. I couldn't let her go through the night with a 2nd degree burn with no pain meds, but I didn't get money until the next day. So I stood there literally digging through my purse for change. And when I somehow found just enough change for her pain meds, I had tears in my eyes and chills all over! I knew God must have helped me out with that moment!! 

But, it was that moment that made me rush home and look at the credits I have in college already because I want more for my babies! I don't want to ever have to feel helpless when it comes to not having money for something one of my children needs. I always make out just fine, but emergencies are not in the budget and there is no savings, so something has to change! And it just may be this year that I start making that change! 

I love these kids, I love my boyfriend, but my children are my responsibility and if their daddy is too busy or just doesn't want to help, then I need to step up and be everything they need! 

I won't lie, I'm scared of failure! Scared of getting overwhelmed! Scared of having more panic/anxiety attacks! But, not so scared that I won't try to show my girls and my son to always try to better yourself, to reach for more and I'm not to scared to try to do more and make more for my children, boyfriend and myself. 

So for the love of my children, I am going to do better, learn more and i am going to try and earn my degree! 

It's better late than never.