Good days, Bad days, I want to cry my eyes out days..

Of course, we have our good days where we find a good movie to watch or dance in the warm summer rain or find a lil cash and get to enjoy a nice meal out. And yes, there are bad days where we get bored or we didn't get enough sleep and we all start taking things out on each other. But there are other days. The ones that bring me to my knees. The ones that  have me praying to god to help me through it all. Those are the ones we seem to be having a few of lately. I think it's partly because I'm already stressed and worried about money and about my daughters relationship with their father. First, I have my son who still cuts on his bad days, hasn't worked since January, leaving me to pay his rent and other bills. Then he calls me for cigarettes and I honestly want to knock him silly!! I have no money left, he needs to find a job, but he has the nerve to ask me to buy something for him that is unhealthy and a habit that he obviously can't afford.. Grrrr Then my teen daughter who is actually doing pretty good, but she is still struggling with her dwindling relationship with her father, the drama of being a teen. She is up and down with her moods and I hate to see her hurting. She also likes to try things and has tried things like marijuana. I want to scream Noooo!! I just want her to stay home all the time in her pretty room that she painted and decorated herself and stay safe, but that's not possible. I have to let her go out into the world. I just worry so much!! I hope she knows how proud I am of her and that it isn't distrust of her that makes me say No to some of the things she wants to do, it's just my worry and my knowledge of this crazy big world that has me wanting her home with me.

Next is my 8 year old who seems to be possessed by the devil these days. She is so smart, independent and very outgoing! I love so many things that come with her strong personality, but when that personality turns on a person, it can be cruel and downright dangerous. I have noticed the worst fits are usually stemming from not seeing her father or jealousy over my boyfriends daughters. She is getting very attached to 'things' and won't share anything even if she's outgrown something. She hates that his girls like me now and even though she has become very fond of my boyfriend, she is not accepting his daughters as well. But the fits are getting out of control. She says horrific things. She bites, pulls my hair, kicks, hits and throws things. I have tried everything and even though I end up scratched up, etc, the only thing that seems to work is sitting down and holding her tight until she has tired out. I honestly think she needs to see a doctor. I feel like she needs a prescription of some kind to even these temper tantrums and ups and downs out. Cause I just don't know how much more I can take. It hurts me, breaks my heart and leaves me bruised up. It's not healthy and has to stop. 

My youngest is actually the easiest to deal with. She just wants everyone to get along and constantly tells us she loves us! Although, she does still have lil peepee accidents day and night and she never wants to leave my side. It can be frustrating, and a pain to have to keep reminding a 6 year old to potty or to go change, but she's not throwing huge fits or being lazy, cutting herself, crying over boys or having anxiety attacks.. At least, Not Yet.. 

So here I am, tired, stressed, sometimes very sad and scared that I will never be enough for my four babies.