2013 and still trying to get it right..

Well here it is 2013 and I'm 39 years old.. I am a mother of an 18 year old son and three daughters ages 16, 8 and 6. And to all the new mothers out there, I still don't know what I'm doing. What works with one, doesn't work with the other. Heck, what works one day on one may not work on that same child the next day. I learn everyday. Most days are busy, giggly days with all these lil girls, but some are emotional roller coasters. That's to be expected with girls. And as lucky as I feel to have a sweet sensitive son, it does become a lil bit overwhelming with all four of them coming to me via text, phone call or pulling at my leg with each of their heart breaks. But I wouldn't change a thing as far as them coming to me. I love them all so very much! I hope they know this! I think they do, but being a mom of four, I always wonder if any of them feel left out at all. I do however wish I could make them happier and stronger individuals. I think all parents wish that for their kids. But, I pray and hope and push so hard for them to be happy. 

I guess I should give you a little back ground on us. We were once a family of 6. I think we were pretty happy too. We had our fights, yelled a bit, but it was mostly normal and each of those children, when they were young, knew they were loved. But after 13 yrs of marriage, their father decided he no longer wanted to be married. I didn't take it well and fought like hell to keep my family together, but it scattered apart fast and hard.

Slowly the father that was so hands on, involved in everything they did, became distant. And within the last 4 years of us being divorced, he has gone from seeing them for four days at a time to possibly once a month for one night. He never speaks to his son and his teen daughter won't speak to him. 

I lost my father when I was 13 years old and still miss him everyday. I have cried watching them lose him and watching it take a huge toll on my 8 year old. She has days where she just needs to cry, but ends up almost starting a fight with someone until she is rolled up into a ball just crying herself to sleep. She has said that she knows her daddy loves her, but she says he should want to see her more if he really loved her. I hate that and find myself covering for him, telling her he does love her, that he is just very busy. I can't imagine being 8 and thinking my father has just decided that he doesn't have time for me..  

Now I have tried to make him pay more the last year or so hoping he'd decide he'd rather see them more than pay me money. And he does love his money. And to my horror, he decided to pay me more and call me a lazy person just trying to live off of him. But, if he saw them more, he could pay me less!!! So why does he chose to pay me more rather than see his girls?? 

So here I am starting a blog because honestly I don't know how things will turn out with my girls. I don't know what their father will ever choose to do, but I want them to know what I did, do and will always do to fight for their happiness even if it does mean I get to get bullied by him or anyone else. 

I have finally found love again and I hope they can see what a loving couple looks like and how you should act towards someone you love. And I hope my girls and my boyfriend's 3 girls will grow up to find what Zach and I have found in each other. 

Until next time, I'll continue to learn, fight, dance, giggle and love all of my babies!!