I'm not perfect.. Not even close..

I've never claimed to be perfect at anything in my life. Heck, I've never had enough confidence or courage to even brag about something I knew I was good at. But, that didn't stop me from wanting to be a mom my entire life.

I had no clue how hard it would be. I had no clue how often I'd lose my patience and say things I wish I hadn't. I've even popped a hiney or two a few times and hated myself for that. I never knew what was right or wrong when spoiling or disciplining my babies. I still don't know!! Some say I'm too easy, but others say my children are normal and I'm doing a great job. It's hard for me to know the difference. I grew up being a 'goody goody' for most of my life. So its hard to know if my teens are normal teens or if i should force them to be like me. I honestly never really let 'my hair down' until I was in my 30's and even more after my 2nd hubby walked out on me. 

I remember feeling like all my life I'd done what was right. I said, No to drugs! I never drank until I was 21. I never tried cigarettes and I hardly ever even used a curse word and now my life was torn apart. My husband that I loved so much was walking out, my son was going downhill and I felt lost and hopeless. I thought it was so unfair that I'd followed all these rules in life and yet, life was giving me crap. I almost gave up on myself. I felt like giving up on everything, but I could never give up on my babies. 

If I had any energy it went into my children and let me tell you there were days when I was so depressed and careless about myself, there was very little energy. But, if one or all of those children of mine needed me, I snapped back into life. Whether they were 18 or 6 years old, I was there. I don't think I've really slept well since I had my first child. But, I know they will be grown one day and I will have the time to sleep in late in the morning and even nap during the day if I want to. And I know, I will miss all these crazy days, well most of them. 

I just hope they know that even though I lost my patience and said mean things on my bad days from time to time or burnt the pizza or lost a toy or shrunk a shirt in the wash, I never meant for any of them to have anything less than the best and I always wanted them to be happy!! I hope they remember the fun and the goofy times we had because I remember. I remember all of their funny sayings, faces, jokes, mistakes that made me giggle, outfits that made me want to scream, but also compliment them too because they had dressed themselves all by themselves!  They have made me cry, angry, sad, hurt, laugh, giggle, happy, surprised, smile, and love being a mother every single moment of everyday! They make me proud for who they are in their hearts and they are my most favorite people in the world. 

So, no I am not perfect, but I do try hard everyday for my four perfect little crazy babies!! 

I love you guys!! 

❤❤❤❤

The many emotions of being a parent...

Well, I'm not even sure how to start this one. I've put off posting something new because I wanted to have time to really sit and write a good one, but I just don't think I'm going to have that chance.. So here I am, catching up, the best that I can.

It's not all bad. My son got a job and can pay some of his rent now and I'm very happy about that. My two younger ones are learning cartwheels, headstands and dancing and singing and really having a great summer. My second to youngest has found a huge love for God and Jesus and I hope it continues to grow. 

My teen daughter is doing ok with her homeschooling. She does have a hard time keeping out of drama and seems to always be getting hurt by her friends. She's also still pretty upset about her father and her relationship. She and her sisters recently found out that their dad has proposed and is getting married. She and my second to youngest took it bad. I mean actual screams and tears.. 

I wished he had worked on their relationship with his children before he proposed, but I can't fix what he does or doesn't do. I can't help when they cry or hurt or miss him so much. I can only be there for them to hug and love them. 

Today my teen daughter got into some real trouble.. And I honestly don't even know how to handle it. It's huge. There will be a court appearance.. So now she's home and we haven't spoken about it. I can tell she is feeling stupid, ashamed and just not ready to talk. And I'm not either. I don't know whether to scream, start taking everything from her or sit and talk. But, I've talked and talked for years. Obviously, it hasn't worked.. So I guess we will talk soon. We have to!! I have to tell her how I feel, what her punishments are, etc. Right now, I just want to throw up, cry or just sleep... 

And to top it off, I got a bug up my butt to actually 'try' again.. that is, try at my own goals again. So, I've been trying to get up enough nerve to drive out to the community college to talk to an advisor about taking classes to be a licensed practical nurse. 

But my anxiety is in overdrive. I used to only need one anxiety pill a day and now, I can end up taking 3.. Don't get me wrong, I won't quit, not on my kids and not on me.. But, WOW, It's not easy!!!