Made it safely through a Friday the 13th

Some of my family was concerned about the date. I was a lil worried, I feel like when something, even if it affects me in horrible ways, it's usually someone else that leaves or dies, etc. 

So it's now Friday the 14! And the family is healthy and here with me still. I do have concerns about my Rebecca, she has lost a lot if weight. She is very depressed and even though she may smile around her friends and run up and hug all that she sees, she still keeps her guard up. I just wish I could bring her back from the hole she puts herself in when she's this depressed and angry, 

The girls are dong great with their school work! I am very proud of all of them this year! We do miss our big hugs at the moment because of my surgery. They never forget to walk up to me and ask me how I feel, give me kisses and a very nervous gentle hug on my arm so they don't wont hurt me. I have some very funny, sometimes emotional, sweet, giggly and caring lil girls. 

So I stil hope they know how much I love them.

I want them to know how wonderful they are to me each and everyday! 

My prayer for my children

Dear God, 

I know you have been there by my side all of my life. I know I have missed church and I hope you can forgive me for that. I have my four beautiful children that you blessed me with and I feel like I haven't done the best job as a mom. I have been too emotional, I have been weak, I have been quick tempered at times and even too exhausted to really do my job. I have a 19 yr old son and a 16 yr old daughter that have seen me at my worst. I have gone through depression right in front of their eyes. I've gone through a total heartbreak and sort of a mental breakdown when my husband walked out on me. They saw me and I feel so guilty that they had to see me so bad off. I should have been strong for them, but instead I fell apart and at times, I think they were being strong for me. So God, please watch over my two oldest and help them to know how much I love them and please help them to find their way through this mess. I know if anyone can help them find their way to success and happiness, it's you God!! My younger two are doing pretty good. My little 9 yr old is still sad at times and is having a hard time accepting the divorce, still.. She likes my boyfriend a lot and she likes her daddy's girlfriend too. But, she needs help being strong and having you in her heart. She wants to be so close to you, God. So please stay in her heart and help her be strong. And the little 'baby' of the family is doing wonderful. As long as she is reminded that we love her and she is our lil doll baby, she's a pretty happy little lady. 

So thank you God for being there and helping me find my way and please know you are always in my mind and heart because I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

Thank you God for the life you have given me and for the babies you have put into my life and into my heart! 

My Fault? His Fault? Who cares?! God, please Help!

Ever since the day my ex and I sat down with our second oldest, my children's lives have started to change. My oldest, my sons life had already gone bad between my ex and him. But, that moment we told my oldest daughter, her spirit changed, it completely broke. She went from happy, loved the world, loving her life, just all around happy silly carefree giggly lil girl. I remember my mother knew this old song called, I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA. Now, about 4 years later, the song that comes to mind when thinking about my daughter is, I hate the world today. Of course she's 16 now and most girls are 'hating' life at that age. But, the problems I thought I may encounter with my son, not only did I encounter them and more with him, I have had to deal with her as well. She is a very outgoing, free spirited lil thing. I knew she'd want to try things, but I knew she had a good head on her shoulders. But, the divorce made her sad and trying things became a good way to leave this world behind even for a few minutes. And then she started to lose the relationship she had with her father and that was huge. She was a Daddy's girl, 100%!! Now she doesn't want to speak to him because of the choices he has made. She has started smoking cigarettes, loves smoking pot and apparently lives the taste of beer. I guess I'm considered lucky because she is open and honest with me. Actually, I do feel lucky that she feels she can talk to me about pretty much anything. But, I'm so worried! 

As a parent you feel like you failed. Having an ex that has screwed up in so many ways, I feel myself wanting to blIm him also. And honestly, it most likely has a lot to do with both of us, along with the things that she has gone through personally and her personality type in general. Maybe she would have tried a lot of these things even if we were still together today. But, none of that matters now. 

Now, the only thing that matters, is her health. How can I help her to quit smoking? How can I help her deal with life, life's let downs and her anger without needed tobacco, alcohol and it drugs as a crutch?!?! 

And I see how her two youngest sisters look up to her, so how can I keep them from following her down the same path? 

I almost keep her home too much. I rarely let her go out. I want to keep her in a bubble hoping she will forget that other part of her life. I know this isn't reality. The moment she is away from me, she sneaks a ciggarette. And when she's with get friends, I'm sure she's doing more than that. So how can I let her go have fun, hope that even if she does try things like a lot of kids her age are doing, that it will be just for now, just while hanging out and it won't turn into an addiction?! 

That's the hardest part about being a parent. What's normal? What's not? What will affect them when the are adults, what will they carry over to adulthood? You don't get to know. You just pray that they make it safely through each day and stay healthy. 

So go whatever reason or reasons my son or my daughter started doing these things or will start other things doesn't really matter. What matters is that I stand by their side and help them when they need me and try my best to show them the right way without shoving my way. 

I love all of my babies that are growing up too fast!! I hope they will always know I'm here and I will be here for them always and for anything they need. 

Oct. 16, 2013 Court

Well, I did it. I took him back to court. He saw them less than 25 days within the last 365 days. So, Yes, I get my girls way more often and yes, he should pay accordingly, but I honestly hoped and prayed that the fear of having to pay me more money would make him see them like he used too. Help him remember the kind of father he used to be... 

So we went to court and I guess you could say, I won.. But, I don't feel like a winner. I feel sad and sick to my tummy. I got custody of my girls, I do love saying that!! They are my babies!! But, he didn't even fight it. He gave it up.. That just breaks my heart! What is wrong with him? He didn't get upset or mad at all until they said he had to pay more money. And I'm sure everyone is thinking that's what I was after, but it wasn't, it isn't. I want him to be their Daddy!!! 

So nobody won!! Actually the only people that really lost are my children! Extra money doesn't replace their daddy!! 

So he will continue to hate me, continue to distance himself from his children. 

And I will always love who he once was because he gave me my baby girls and I will always hope that one day he will find his way back into their lives and be there for his girls again.. 

As for now, I'm using the extra money for the younger two to finally take gymnastics and for my older daughter to get her license and maybe her first car. My son still needs help now and then, so it will be easier to help him with my money if I have more for the girls. But he needs to start paying his own bills, so I have to stop helping him as often too, but that is so hard to do.. But he is taking classes and hopes to have a job before the end of the year!! 

It's almost the end of 2013 and even though I was fearful of that number 13, I'd say it's been an ok year except for the loss of my sweet Grandaddy. 

I love you my sweet baby boy and three sweet beautiful baby girls!! Every single day and forever and always!! 

Love me!! 

Back to school for the kids... AND FOR ME!!!!

Waiting for my latest homework assignment to upload... And I sit here wondering if I can actually do this. I know its all new, going to school, but its been so hard and even though the school work is challenging, that's not whats been so hard. Its the kids and the housework!!  Don't get me wrong, Zach is a huge help!! I knew they were spoiled, but geesh!! Becca is having major headaches and they started about a week or more ago. Now they just won't go away with any pain killers. I'm worried about her! So I have that to deal with that and a doctor apt for her later today. Hopefully, that will bring some answers. But, even if she is feeling better, umm she will still have dishes and left over food in her room. I know that's typical, I remember my brother being awful about that. I used to help mom and would find the most disgusting things in his room. But, even the little ones, they go for one snack and then I find jelly everywhere. They are so creative and have great imaginations, but anyone with a creative kid always on the go, knows that means a big mess mostly everyday that they don't clean up!!
How can I be there for my kids, get their school forms done, doctor apts made, give them my love and actually do well in school at the same time?? Im so excited to finally be on my way, but scared to death that Im going to fail or my house is going to be a sticky crumby mess!! Sticky floors and counters make me cringe like fingernails on a chalkboard kinda cringe!! We went to the beach before I started classes and I hadn't quite unpacked and cleaned up after the trip before I started getting ready for school. My youngest was tired and having a mean moment when she screamed, Your house is a mess! I swear that killed me! Being told that I had a dirty house is one of the worst cut downs for me!!
I have 6 'A's in one of my classes already, but we do our work in class. My other class, we get homework and here I am trying to catch up and hope to go to the bay this weekend and I just don't see it happening.
Ugh. Anyway, Just needed to rant a lil while my file uploaded..
As the lil train once said, I think I can! I think I can!!
Oh and my sweet 16 year old even caught a pic of me on my first day back to school. LOL
Here I am.. Ready to go!!

The many emotions of being a parent...

Well, I'm not even sure how to start this one. I've put off posting something new because I wanted to have time to really sit and write a good one, but I just don't think I'm going to have that chance.. So here I am, catching up, the best that I can.

It's not all bad. My son got a job and can pay some of his rent now and I'm very happy about that. My two younger ones are learning cartwheels, headstands and dancing and singing and really having a great summer. My second to youngest has found a huge love for God and Jesus and I hope it continues to grow. 

My teen daughter is doing ok with her homeschooling. She does have a hard time keeping out of drama and seems to always be getting hurt by her friends. She's also still pretty upset about her father and her relationship. She and her sisters recently found out that their dad has proposed and is getting married. She and my second to youngest took it bad. I mean actual screams and tears.. 

I wished he had worked on their relationship with his children before he proposed, but I can't fix what he does or doesn't do. I can't help when they cry or hurt or miss him so much. I can only be there for them to hug and love them. 

Today my teen daughter got into some real trouble.. And I honestly don't even know how to handle it. It's huge. There will be a court appearance.. So now she's home and we haven't spoken about it. I can tell she is feeling stupid, ashamed and just not ready to talk. And I'm not either. I don't know whether to scream, start taking everything from her or sit and talk. But, I've talked and talked for years. Obviously, it hasn't worked.. So I guess we will talk soon. We have to!! I have to tell her how I feel, what her punishments are, etc. Right now, I just want to throw up, cry or just sleep... 

And to top it off, I got a bug up my butt to actually 'try' again.. that is, try at my own goals again. So, I've been trying to get up enough nerve to drive out to the community college to talk to an advisor about taking classes to be a licensed practical nurse. 

But my anxiety is in overdrive. I used to only need one anxiety pill a day and now, I can end up taking 3.. Don't get me wrong, I won't quit, not on my kids and not on me.. But, WOW, It's not easy!!! 

My heart had a new view today..

After having the father of my children be pretty angry at me for the last week or so, not that this is anything new, I couldn't help but look at my babies differently today. Seriously, The man has lost it. Telling the mother of his children to dig a hole and bury myself in it. I know he says all of these mean childish things when he is either angry and or drinking, but still for some reason it hurts and I still get shocked by it. But, now I can see looking at my children how happy I am and how happy they are with me, even though they miss him, they really are happy with me. Thats what I want to see. That is what I will look at and I hope they will remember this too. The laughs, giggles and funny jokes we share. Cause that is more what life is all about. The parts that hurt will hurt bad, but the other parts that make us smile and laugh and love, those are the real parts in life that will be with us forever to remind us how life can be.  So on with how our morning went with my hearts new view.. 

The alarm went off loudly and way before I was ready to hear it, like it always does Monday through Friday and then its time to gently nudge and nudge the little ones until they get up. And in the back of my mind, Im always praying and hoping for them to get up in good moods. I got lucky today, they were smiling and giggling and ready to get dressed and even have their hair done in pig tails. I love their hair that way. Too cute!!

Then as they ate their breakfast and I sipped my coffee, I realized what this angry ex of mine is missing out. My heart had a new view!! Not only am I lucky enough to have this time with them, but Im also lucky enough to not take it for granted. Yes, I checked my email and looked at my Facebook on my iPhone as they ate, but they were still right in front of me chomping down their cereal and talking to each other about whether they had gym today or art. 
I then put down my phone and did my usual,  "you two have a great day today, eat your lunch and be nice to your friends, I'll miss you and love you both so much" speech and then we were off running to the van. We drove today because Alyssa had a project and it was raining. She worked so hard on it, so I wasn't going to let it get wet or messed up by friends on the bus. 

They give me big bear hugs every single morning and funny wet kisses right before jumping out of the van and I tell them I'll see them at the bus stop. Then with big smiles and blowing kisses, they were off to have their day in KG and 2nd grade. They are growing up so fast.

And I won't miss out on one single thing if I can help it. Im going to be there for it all and that makes me and my heart so happy. Yes, I am still sad that at this point, their father isn't there to see all or any of this, even missing things at their school that they are so proud of. Yes, I keep hearing that its his loss, but they lose out too. I know it hurts their lil hearts. But, Im there, their big sister is there, their big brother, their family is there and even Zach. And I know they won't forget that. 

So with my new view on what I get and what I will never take for granted, I will go now to enjoy more of their day and be back with more updates about my wonderful moments that I get to have with each and everyone of my 4 children!! 

2013 and still trying to get it right..

Well here it is 2013 and I'm 39 years old.. I am a mother of an 18 year old son and three daughters ages 16, 8 and 6. And to all the new mothers out there, I still don't know what I'm doing. What works with one, doesn't work with the other. Heck, what works one day on one may not work on that same child the next day. I learn everyday. Most days are busy, giggly days with all these lil girls, but some are emotional roller coasters. That's to be expected with girls. And as lucky as I feel to have a sweet sensitive son, it does become a lil bit overwhelming with all four of them coming to me via text, phone call or pulling at my leg with each of their heart breaks. But I wouldn't change a thing as far as them coming to me. I love them all so very much! I hope they know this! I think they do, but being a mom of four, I always wonder if any of them feel left out at all. I do however wish I could make them happier and stronger individuals. I think all parents wish that for their kids. But, I pray and hope and push so hard for them to be happy. 

I guess I should give you a little back ground on us. We were once a family of 6. I think we were pretty happy too. We had our fights, yelled a bit, but it was mostly normal and each of those children, when they were young, knew they were loved. But after 13 yrs of marriage, their father decided he no longer wanted to be married. I didn't take it well and fought like hell to keep my family together, but it scattered apart fast and hard.

Slowly the father that was so hands on, involved in everything they did, became distant. And within the last 4 years of us being divorced, he has gone from seeing them for four days at a time to possibly once a month for one night. He never speaks to his son and his teen daughter won't speak to him. 

I lost my father when I was 13 years old and still miss him everyday. I have cried watching them lose him and watching it take a huge toll on my 8 year old. She has days where she just needs to cry, but ends up almost starting a fight with someone until she is rolled up into a ball just crying herself to sleep. She has said that she knows her daddy loves her, but she says he should want to see her more if he really loved her. I hate that and find myself covering for him, telling her he does love her, that he is just very busy. I can't imagine being 8 and thinking my father has just decided that he doesn't have time for me..  

Now I have tried to make him pay more the last year or so hoping he'd decide he'd rather see them more than pay me money. And he does love his money. And to my horror, he decided to pay me more and call me a lazy person just trying to live off of him. But, if he saw them more, he could pay me less!!! So why does he chose to pay me more rather than see his girls?? 

So here I am starting a blog because honestly I don't know how things will turn out with my girls. I don't know what their father will ever choose to do, but I want them to know what I did, do and will always do to fight for their happiness even if it does mean I get to get bullied by him or anyone else. 

I have finally found love again and I hope they can see what a loving couple looks like and how you should act towards someone you love. And I hope my girls and my boyfriend's 3 girls will grow up to find what Zach and I have found in each other. 

Until next time, I'll continue to learn, fight, dance, giggle and love all of my babies!!