My Fault? His Fault? Who cares?! God, please Help!

Ever since the day my ex and I sat down with our second oldest, my children's lives have started to change. My oldest, my sons life had already gone bad between my ex and him. But, that moment we told my oldest daughter, her spirit changed, it completely broke. She went from happy, loved the world, loving her life, just all around happy silly carefree giggly lil girl. I remember my mother knew this old song called, I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA. Now, about 4 years later, the song that comes to mind when thinking about my daughter is, I hate the world today. Of course she's 16 now and most girls are 'hating' life at that age. But, the problems I thought I may encounter with my son, not only did I encounter them and more with him, I have had to deal with her as well. She is a very outgoing, free spirited lil thing. I knew she'd want to try things, but I knew she had a good head on her shoulders. But, the divorce made her sad and trying things became a good way to leave this world behind even for a few minutes. And then she started to lose the relationship she had with her father and that was huge. She was a Daddy's girl, 100%!! Now she doesn't want to speak to him because of the choices he has made. She has started smoking cigarettes, loves smoking pot and apparently lives the taste of beer. I guess I'm considered lucky because she is open and honest with me. Actually, I do feel lucky that she feels she can talk to me about pretty much anything. But, I'm so worried! 

As a parent you feel like you failed. Having an ex that has screwed up in so many ways, I feel myself wanting to blIm him also. And honestly, it most likely has a lot to do with both of us, along with the things that she has gone through personally and her personality type in general. Maybe she would have tried a lot of these things even if we were still together today. But, none of that matters now. 

Now, the only thing that matters, is her health. How can I help her to quit smoking? How can I help her deal with life, life's let downs and her anger without needed tobacco, alcohol and it drugs as a crutch?!?! 

And I see how her two youngest sisters look up to her, so how can I keep them from following her down the same path? 

I almost keep her home too much. I rarely let her go out. I want to keep her in a bubble hoping she will forget that other part of her life. I know this isn't reality. The moment she is away from me, she sneaks a ciggarette. And when she's with get friends, I'm sure she's doing more than that. So how can I let her go have fun, hope that even if she does try things like a lot of kids her age are doing, that it will be just for now, just while hanging out and it won't turn into an addiction?! 

That's the hardest part about being a parent. What's normal? What's not? What will affect them when the are adults, what will they carry over to adulthood? You don't get to know. You just pray that they make it safely through each day and stay healthy. 

So go whatever reason or reasons my son or my daughter started doing these things or will start other things doesn't really matter. What matters is that I stand by their side and help them when they need me and try my best to show them the right way without shoving my way. 

I love all of my babies that are growing up too fast!! I hope they will always know I'm here and I will be here for them always and for anything they need. 

Oct. 16, 2013 Court

Well, I did it. I took him back to court. He saw them less than 25 days within the last 365 days. So, Yes, I get my girls way more often and yes, he should pay accordingly, but I honestly hoped and prayed that the fear of having to pay me more money would make him see them like he used too. Help him remember the kind of father he used to be... 

So we went to court and I guess you could say, I won.. But, I don't feel like a winner. I feel sad and sick to my tummy. I got custody of my girls, I do love saying that!! They are my babies!! But, he didn't even fight it. He gave it up.. That just breaks my heart! What is wrong with him? He didn't get upset or mad at all until they said he had to pay more money. And I'm sure everyone is thinking that's what I was after, but it wasn't, it isn't. I want him to be their Daddy!!! 

So nobody won!! Actually the only people that really lost are my children! Extra money doesn't replace their daddy!! 

So he will continue to hate me, continue to distance himself from his children. 

And I will always love who he once was because he gave me my baby girls and I will always hope that one day he will find his way back into their lives and be there for his girls again.. 

As for now, I'm using the extra money for the younger two to finally take gymnastics and for my older daughter to get her license and maybe her first car. My son still needs help now and then, so it will be easier to help him with my money if I have more for the girls. But he needs to start paying his own bills, so I have to stop helping him as often too, but that is so hard to do.. But he is taking classes and hopes to have a job before the end of the year!! 

It's almost the end of 2013 and even though I was fearful of that number 13, I'd say it's been an ok year except for the loss of my sweet Grandaddy. 

I love you my sweet baby boy and three sweet beautiful baby girls!! Every single day and forever and always!! 

Love me!! 

She missing her Daddy and it shows

You know when you've just ended a relationship or you've been single for a while and you see a cute couple holding hands or just laughing and being sweet together and you can't help but smile, but you feel sad too. Well, today I saw that look in someone's eyes. It was my 9 yr old little girls eyes and in her face too. It broke my heart! 

I walked in about to sit down to watch tv with everyone else and stopped to look at all these silly girls and my sweet Zach. And there I saw my lil girl looking over at Zach holding his lil girl and rubbing her back and it was written all over my babies face. She was missing her daddy. Her eyes were so sad. My heart just ached for her. I walked over and gave her a big hug. I whispered in her ear and told her that, I loved her and that I could read her mind and just wanted to make sure she knew how much I loved her. She squeezed me even tighter and wouldn't let go. So I whispered, you know your daddy loves you too, right? And I felt her nod a tiny bit. Normally, I would call or text a father or any parent and let them know how much they were missed, but I have done that in the past and I got either no response or I got fussed at. So I guess I will hug my baby girl and pray that she knows that I love her so much and her sisters and family love her too. It was just so sad to see.. 

The many emotions of being a parent...

Well, I'm not even sure how to start this one. I've put off posting something new because I wanted to have time to really sit and write a good one, but I just don't think I'm going to have that chance.. So here I am, catching up, the best that I can.

It's not all bad. My son got a job and can pay some of his rent now and I'm very happy about that. My two younger ones are learning cartwheels, headstands and dancing and singing and really having a great summer. My second to youngest has found a huge love for God and Jesus and I hope it continues to grow. 

My teen daughter is doing ok with her homeschooling. She does have a hard time keeping out of drama and seems to always be getting hurt by her friends. She's also still pretty upset about her father and her relationship. She and her sisters recently found out that their dad has proposed and is getting married. She and my second to youngest took it bad. I mean actual screams and tears.. 

I wished he had worked on their relationship with his children before he proposed, but I can't fix what he does or doesn't do. I can't help when they cry or hurt or miss him so much. I can only be there for them to hug and love them. 

Today my teen daughter got into some real trouble.. And I honestly don't even know how to handle it. It's huge. There will be a court appearance.. So now she's home and we haven't spoken about it. I can tell she is feeling stupid, ashamed and just not ready to talk. And I'm not either. I don't know whether to scream, start taking everything from her or sit and talk. But, I've talked and talked for years. Obviously, it hasn't worked.. So I guess we will talk soon. We have to!! I have to tell her how I feel, what her punishments are, etc. Right now, I just want to throw up, cry or just sleep... 

And to top it off, I got a bug up my butt to actually 'try' again.. that is, try at my own goals again. So, I've been trying to get up enough nerve to drive out to the community college to talk to an advisor about taking classes to be a licensed practical nurse. 

But my anxiety is in overdrive. I used to only need one anxiety pill a day and now, I can end up taking 3.. Don't get me wrong, I won't quit, not on my kids and not on me.. But, WOW, It's not easy!!!