Back to school for the kids... AND FOR ME!!!!

Waiting for my latest homework assignment to upload... And I sit here wondering if I can actually do this. I know its all new, going to school, but its been so hard and even though the school work is challenging, that's not whats been so hard. Its the kids and the housework!!  Don't get me wrong, Zach is a huge help!! I knew they were spoiled, but geesh!! Becca is having major headaches and they started about a week or more ago. Now they just won't go away with any pain killers. I'm worried about her! So I have that to deal with that and a doctor apt for her later today. Hopefully, that will bring some answers. But, even if she is feeling better, umm she will still have dishes and left over food in her room. I know that's typical, I remember my brother being awful about that. I used to help mom and would find the most disgusting things in his room. But, even the little ones, they go for one snack and then I find jelly everywhere. They are so creative and have great imaginations, but anyone with a creative kid always on the go, knows that means a big mess mostly everyday that they don't clean up!!
How can I be there for my kids, get their school forms done, doctor apts made, give them my love and actually do well in school at the same time?? Im so excited to finally be on my way, but scared to death that Im going to fail or my house is going to be a sticky crumby mess!! Sticky floors and counters make me cringe like fingernails on a chalkboard kinda cringe!! We went to the beach before I started classes and I hadn't quite unpacked and cleaned up after the trip before I started getting ready for school. My youngest was tired and having a mean moment when she screamed, Your house is a mess! I swear that killed me! Being told that I had a dirty house is one of the worst cut downs for me!!
I have 6 'A's in one of my classes already, but we do our work in class. My other class, we get homework and here I am trying to catch up and hope to go to the bay this weekend and I just don't see it happening.
Ugh. Anyway, Just needed to rant a lil while my file uploaded..
As the lil train once said, I think I can! I think I can!!
Oh and my sweet 16 year old even caught a pic of me on my first day back to school. LOL
Here I am.. Ready to go!!

The many emotions of being a parent...

Well, I'm not even sure how to start this one. I've put off posting something new because I wanted to have time to really sit and write a good one, but I just don't think I'm going to have that chance.. So here I am, catching up, the best that I can.

It's not all bad. My son got a job and can pay some of his rent now and I'm very happy about that. My two younger ones are learning cartwheels, headstands and dancing and singing and really having a great summer. My second to youngest has found a huge love for God and Jesus and I hope it continues to grow. 

My teen daughter is doing ok with her homeschooling. She does have a hard time keeping out of drama and seems to always be getting hurt by her friends. She's also still pretty upset about her father and her relationship. She and her sisters recently found out that their dad has proposed and is getting married. She and my second to youngest took it bad. I mean actual screams and tears.. 

I wished he had worked on their relationship with his children before he proposed, but I can't fix what he does or doesn't do. I can't help when they cry or hurt or miss him so much. I can only be there for them to hug and love them. 

Today my teen daughter got into some real trouble.. And I honestly don't even know how to handle it. It's huge. There will be a court appearance.. So now she's home and we haven't spoken about it. I can tell she is feeling stupid, ashamed and just not ready to talk. And I'm not either. I don't know whether to scream, start taking everything from her or sit and talk. But, I've talked and talked for years. Obviously, it hasn't worked.. So I guess we will talk soon. We have to!! I have to tell her how I feel, what her punishments are, etc. Right now, I just want to throw up, cry or just sleep... 

And to top it off, I got a bug up my butt to actually 'try' again.. that is, try at my own goals again. So, I've been trying to get up enough nerve to drive out to the community college to talk to an advisor about taking classes to be a licensed practical nurse. 

But my anxiety is in overdrive. I used to only need one anxiety pill a day and now, I can end up taking 3.. Don't get me wrong, I won't quit, not on my kids and not on me.. But, WOW, It's not easy!!! 

My heart had a new view today..

After having the father of my children be pretty angry at me for the last week or so, not that this is anything new, I couldn't help but look at my babies differently today. Seriously, The man has lost it. Telling the mother of his children to dig a hole and bury myself in it. I know he says all of these mean childish things when he is either angry and or drinking, but still for some reason it hurts and I still get shocked by it. But, now I can see looking at my children how happy I am and how happy they are with me, even though they miss him, they really are happy with me. Thats what I want to see. That is what I will look at and I hope they will remember this too. The laughs, giggles and funny jokes we share. Cause that is more what life is all about. The parts that hurt will hurt bad, but the other parts that make us smile and laugh and love, those are the real parts in life that will be with us forever to remind us how life can be.  So on with how our morning went with my hearts new view.. 

The alarm went off loudly and way before I was ready to hear it, like it always does Monday through Friday and then its time to gently nudge and nudge the little ones until they get up. And in the back of my mind, Im always praying and hoping for them to get up in good moods. I got lucky today, they were smiling and giggling and ready to get dressed and even have their hair done in pig tails. I love their hair that way. Too cute!!

Then as they ate their breakfast and I sipped my coffee, I realized what this angry ex of mine is missing out. My heart had a new view!! Not only am I lucky enough to have this time with them, but Im also lucky enough to not take it for granted. Yes, I checked my email and looked at my Facebook on my iPhone as they ate, but they were still right in front of me chomping down their cereal and talking to each other about whether they had gym today or art. 
I then put down my phone and did my usual,  "you two have a great day today, eat your lunch and be nice to your friends, I'll miss you and love you both so much" speech and then we were off running to the van. We drove today because Alyssa had a project and it was raining. She worked so hard on it, so I wasn't going to let it get wet or messed up by friends on the bus. 

They give me big bear hugs every single morning and funny wet kisses right before jumping out of the van and I tell them I'll see them at the bus stop. Then with big smiles and blowing kisses, they were off to have their day in KG and 2nd grade. They are growing up so fast.

And I won't miss out on one single thing if I can help it. Im going to be there for it all and that makes me and my heart so happy. Yes, I am still sad that at this point, their father isn't there to see all or any of this, even missing things at their school that they are so proud of. Yes, I keep hearing that its his loss, but they lose out too. I know it hurts their lil hearts. But, Im there, their big sister is there, their big brother, their family is there and even Zach. And I know they won't forget that. 

So with my new view on what I get and what I will never take for granted, I will go now to enjoy more of their day and be back with more updates about my wonderful moments that I get to have with each and everyone of my 4 children!! 

2013 and still trying to get it right..

Well here it is 2013 and I'm 39 years old.. I am a mother of an 18 year old son and three daughters ages 16, 8 and 6. And to all the new mothers out there, I still don't know what I'm doing. What works with one, doesn't work with the other. Heck, what works one day on one may not work on that same child the next day. I learn everyday. Most days are busy, giggly days with all these lil girls, but some are emotional roller coasters. That's to be expected with girls. And as lucky as I feel to have a sweet sensitive son, it does become a lil bit overwhelming with all four of them coming to me via text, phone call or pulling at my leg with each of their heart breaks. But I wouldn't change a thing as far as them coming to me. I love them all so very much! I hope they know this! I think they do, but being a mom of four, I always wonder if any of them feel left out at all. I do however wish I could make them happier and stronger individuals. I think all parents wish that for their kids. But, I pray and hope and push so hard for them to be happy. 

I guess I should give you a little back ground on us. We were once a family of 6. I think we were pretty happy too. We had our fights, yelled a bit, but it was mostly normal and each of those children, when they were young, knew they were loved. But after 13 yrs of marriage, their father decided he no longer wanted to be married. I didn't take it well and fought like hell to keep my family together, but it scattered apart fast and hard.

Slowly the father that was so hands on, involved in everything they did, became distant. And within the last 4 years of us being divorced, he has gone from seeing them for four days at a time to possibly once a month for one night. He never speaks to his son and his teen daughter won't speak to him. 

I lost my father when I was 13 years old and still miss him everyday. I have cried watching them lose him and watching it take a huge toll on my 8 year old. She has days where she just needs to cry, but ends up almost starting a fight with someone until she is rolled up into a ball just crying herself to sleep. She has said that she knows her daddy loves her, but she says he should want to see her more if he really loved her. I hate that and find myself covering for him, telling her he does love her, that he is just very busy. I can't imagine being 8 and thinking my father has just decided that he doesn't have time for me..  

Now I have tried to make him pay more the last year or so hoping he'd decide he'd rather see them more than pay me money. And he does love his money. And to my horror, he decided to pay me more and call me a lazy person just trying to live off of him. But, if he saw them more, he could pay me less!!! So why does he chose to pay me more rather than see his girls?? 

So here I am starting a blog because honestly I don't know how things will turn out with my girls. I don't know what their father will ever choose to do, but I want them to know what I did, do and will always do to fight for their happiness even if it does mean I get to get bullied by him or anyone else. 

I have finally found love again and I hope they can see what a loving couple looks like and how you should act towards someone you love. And I hope my girls and my boyfriend's 3 girls will grow up to find what Zach and I have found in each other. 

Until next time, I'll continue to learn, fight, dance, giggle and love all of my babies!!