My prayer for my children

Dear God, 

I know you have been there by my side all of my life. I know I have missed church and I hope you can forgive me for that. I have my four beautiful children that you blessed me with and I feel like I haven't done the best job as a mom. I have been too emotional, I have been weak, I have been quick tempered at times and even too exhausted to really do my job. I have a 19 yr old son and a 16 yr old daughter that have seen me at my worst. I have gone through depression right in front of their eyes. I've gone through a total heartbreak and sort of a mental breakdown when my husband walked out on me. They saw me and I feel so guilty that they had to see me so bad off. I should have been strong for them, but instead I fell apart and at times, I think they were being strong for me. So God, please watch over my two oldest and help them to know how much I love them and please help them to find their way through this mess. I know if anyone can help them find their way to success and happiness, it's you God!! My younger two are doing pretty good. My little 9 yr old is still sad at times and is having a hard time accepting the divorce, still.. She likes my boyfriend a lot and she likes her daddy's girlfriend too. But, she needs help being strong and having you in her heart. She wants to be so close to you, God. So please stay in her heart and help her be strong. And the little 'baby' of the family is doing wonderful. As long as she is reminded that we love her and she is our lil doll baby, she's a pretty happy little lady. 

So thank you God for being there and helping me find my way and please know you are always in my mind and heart because I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

Thank you God for the life you have given me and for the babies you have put into my life and into my heart! 

My Fault? His Fault? Who cares?! God, please Help!

Ever since the day my ex and I sat down with our second oldest, my children's lives have started to change. My oldest, my sons life had already gone bad between my ex and him. But, that moment we told my oldest daughter, her spirit changed, it completely broke. She went from happy, loved the world, loving her life, just all around happy silly carefree giggly lil girl. I remember my mother knew this old song called, I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA. Now, about 4 years later, the song that comes to mind when thinking about my daughter is, I hate the world today. Of course she's 16 now and most girls are 'hating' life at that age. But, the problems I thought I may encounter with my son, not only did I encounter them and more with him, I have had to deal with her as well. She is a very outgoing, free spirited lil thing. I knew she'd want to try things, but I knew she had a good head on her shoulders. But, the divorce made her sad and trying things became a good way to leave this world behind even for a few minutes. And then she started to lose the relationship she had with her father and that was huge. She was a Daddy's girl, 100%!! Now she doesn't want to speak to him because of the choices he has made. She has started smoking cigarettes, loves smoking pot and apparently lives the taste of beer. I guess I'm considered lucky because she is open and honest with me. Actually, I do feel lucky that she feels she can talk to me about pretty much anything. But, I'm so worried! 

As a parent you feel like you failed. Having an ex that has screwed up in so many ways, I feel myself wanting to blIm him also. And honestly, it most likely has a lot to do with both of us, along with the things that she has gone through personally and her personality type in general. Maybe she would have tried a lot of these things even if we were still together today. But, none of that matters now. 

Now, the only thing that matters, is her health. How can I help her to quit smoking? How can I help her deal with life, life's let downs and her anger without needed tobacco, alcohol and it drugs as a crutch?!?! 

And I see how her two youngest sisters look up to her, so how can I keep them from following her down the same path? 

I almost keep her home too much. I rarely let her go out. I want to keep her in a bubble hoping she will forget that other part of her life. I know this isn't reality. The moment she is away from me, she sneaks a ciggarette. And when she's with get friends, I'm sure she's doing more than that. So how can I let her go have fun, hope that even if she does try things like a lot of kids her age are doing, that it will be just for now, just while hanging out and it won't turn into an addiction?! 

That's the hardest part about being a parent. What's normal? What's not? What will affect them when the are adults, what will they carry over to adulthood? You don't get to know. You just pray that they make it safely through each day and stay healthy. 

So go whatever reason or reasons my son or my daughter started doing these things or will start other things doesn't really matter. What matters is that I stand by their side and help them when they need me and try my best to show them the right way without shoving my way. 

I love all of my babies that are growing up too fast!! I hope they will always know I'm here and I will be here for them always and for anything they need.