My Fault? His Fault? Who cares?! God, please Help!

Ever since the day my ex and I sat down with our second oldest, my children's lives have started to change. My oldest, my sons life had already gone bad between my ex and him. But, that moment we told my oldest daughter, her spirit changed, it completely broke. She went from happy, loved the world, loving her life, just all around happy silly carefree giggly lil girl. I remember my mother knew this old song called, I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA. Now, about 4 years later, the song that comes to mind when thinking about my daughter is, I hate the world today. Of course she's 16 now and most girls are 'hating' life at that age. But, the problems I thought I may encounter with my son, not only did I encounter them and more with him, I have had to deal with her as well. She is a very outgoing, free spirited lil thing. I knew she'd want to try things, but I knew she had a good head on her shoulders. But, the divorce made her sad and trying things became a good way to leave this world behind even for a few minutes. And then she started to lose the relationship she had with her father and that was huge. She was a Daddy's girl, 100%!! Now she doesn't want to speak to him because of the choices he has made. She has started smoking cigarettes, loves smoking pot and apparently lives the taste of beer. I guess I'm considered lucky because she is open and honest with me. Actually, I do feel lucky that she feels she can talk to me about pretty much anything. But, I'm so worried! 

As a parent you feel like you failed. Having an ex that has screwed up in so many ways, I feel myself wanting to blIm him also. And honestly, it most likely has a lot to do with both of us, along with the things that she has gone through personally and her personality type in general. Maybe she would have tried a lot of these things even if we were still together today. But, none of that matters now. 

Now, the only thing that matters, is her health. How can I help her to quit smoking? How can I help her deal with life, life's let downs and her anger without needed tobacco, alcohol and it drugs as a crutch?!?! 

And I see how her two youngest sisters look up to her, so how can I keep them from following her down the same path? 

I almost keep her home too much. I rarely let her go out. I want to keep her in a bubble hoping she will forget that other part of her life. I know this isn't reality. The moment she is away from me, she sneaks a ciggarette. And when she's with get friends, I'm sure she's doing more than that. So how can I let her go have fun, hope that even if she does try things like a lot of kids her age are doing, that it will be just for now, just while hanging out and it won't turn into an addiction?! 

That's the hardest part about being a parent. What's normal? What's not? What will affect them when the are adults, what will they carry over to adulthood? You don't get to know. You just pray that they make it safely through each day and stay healthy. 

So go whatever reason or reasons my son or my daughter started doing these things or will start other things doesn't really matter. What matters is that I stand by their side and help them when they need me and try my best to show them the right way without shoving my way. 

I love all of my babies that are growing up too fast!! I hope they will always know I'm here and I will be here for them always and for anything they need. 

She missing her Daddy and it shows

You know when you've just ended a relationship or you've been single for a while and you see a cute couple holding hands or just laughing and being sweet together and you can't help but smile, but you feel sad too. Well, today I saw that look in someone's eyes. It was my 9 yr old little girls eyes and in her face too. It broke my heart! 

I walked in about to sit down to watch tv with everyone else and stopped to look at all these silly girls and my sweet Zach. And there I saw my lil girl looking over at Zach holding his lil girl and rubbing her back and it was written all over my babies face. She was missing her daddy. Her eyes were so sad. My heart just ached for her. I walked over and gave her a big hug. I whispered in her ear and told her that, I loved her and that I could read her mind and just wanted to make sure she knew how much I loved her. She squeezed me even tighter and wouldn't let go. So I whispered, you know your daddy loves you too, right? And I felt her nod a tiny bit. Normally, I would call or text a father or any parent and let them know how much they were missed, but I have done that in the past and I got either no response or I got fussed at. So I guess I will hug my baby girl and pray that she knows that I love her so much and her sisters and family love her too. It was just so sad to see.. 

2013 and still trying to get it right..

Well here it is 2013 and I'm 39 years old.. I am a mother of an 18 year old son and three daughters ages 16, 8 and 6. And to all the new mothers out there, I still don't know what I'm doing. What works with one, doesn't work with the other. Heck, what works one day on one may not work on that same child the next day. I learn everyday. Most days are busy, giggly days with all these lil girls, but some are emotional roller coasters. That's to be expected with girls. And as lucky as I feel to have a sweet sensitive son, it does become a lil bit overwhelming with all four of them coming to me via text, phone call or pulling at my leg with each of their heart breaks. But I wouldn't change a thing as far as them coming to me. I love them all so very much! I hope they know this! I think they do, but being a mom of four, I always wonder if any of them feel left out at all. I do however wish I could make them happier and stronger individuals. I think all parents wish that for their kids. But, I pray and hope and push so hard for them to be happy. 

I guess I should give you a little back ground on us. We were once a family of 6. I think we were pretty happy too. We had our fights, yelled a bit, but it was mostly normal and each of those children, when they were young, knew they were loved. But after 13 yrs of marriage, their father decided he no longer wanted to be married. I didn't take it well and fought like hell to keep my family together, but it scattered apart fast and hard.

Slowly the father that was so hands on, involved in everything they did, became distant. And within the last 4 years of us being divorced, he has gone from seeing them for four days at a time to possibly once a month for one night. He never speaks to his son and his teen daughter won't speak to him. 

I lost my father when I was 13 years old and still miss him everyday. I have cried watching them lose him and watching it take a huge toll on my 8 year old. She has days where she just needs to cry, but ends up almost starting a fight with someone until she is rolled up into a ball just crying herself to sleep. She has said that she knows her daddy loves her, but she says he should want to see her more if he really loved her. I hate that and find myself covering for him, telling her he does love her, that he is just very busy. I can't imagine being 8 and thinking my father has just decided that he doesn't have time for me..  

Now I have tried to make him pay more the last year or so hoping he'd decide he'd rather see them more than pay me money. And he does love his money. And to my horror, he decided to pay me more and call me a lazy person just trying to live off of him. But, if he saw them more, he could pay me less!!! So why does he chose to pay me more rather than see his girls?? 

So here I am starting a blog because honestly I don't know how things will turn out with my girls. I don't know what their father will ever choose to do, but I want them to know what I did, do and will always do to fight for their happiness even if it does mean I get to get bullied by him or anyone else. 

I have finally found love again and I hope they can see what a loving couple looks like and how you should act towards someone you love. And I hope my girls and my boyfriend's 3 girls will grow up to find what Zach and I have found in each other. 

Until next time, I'll continue to learn, fight, dance, giggle and love all of my babies!!