My prayer for my children

Dear God, 

I know you have been there by my side all of my life. I know I have missed church and I hope you can forgive me for that. I have my four beautiful children that you blessed me with and I feel like I haven't done the best job as a mom. I have been too emotional, I have been weak, I have been quick tempered at times and even too exhausted to really do my job. I have a 19 yr old son and a 16 yr old daughter that have seen me at my worst. I have gone through depression right in front of their eyes. I've gone through a total heartbreak and sort of a mental breakdown when my husband walked out on me. They saw me and I feel so guilty that they had to see me so bad off. I should have been strong for them, but instead I fell apart and at times, I think they were being strong for me. So God, please watch over my two oldest and help them to know how much I love them and please help them to find their way through this mess. I know if anyone can help them find their way to success and happiness, it's you God!! My younger two are doing pretty good. My little 9 yr old is still sad at times and is having a hard time accepting the divorce, still.. She likes my boyfriend a lot and she likes her daddy's girlfriend too. But, she needs help being strong and having you in her heart. She wants to be so close to you, God. So please stay in her heart and help her be strong. And the little 'baby' of the family is doing wonderful. As long as she is reminded that we love her and she is our lil doll baby, she's a pretty happy little lady. 

So thank you God for being there and helping me find my way and please know you are always in my mind and heart because I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

Thank you God for the life you have given me and for the babies you have put into my life and into my heart! 

My Fault? His Fault? Who cares?! God, please Help!

Ever since the day my ex and I sat down with our second oldest, my children's lives have started to change. My oldest, my sons life had already gone bad between my ex and him. But, that moment we told my oldest daughter, her spirit changed, it completely broke. She went from happy, loved the world, loving her life, just all around happy silly carefree giggly lil girl. I remember my mother knew this old song called, I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA. Now, about 4 years later, the song that comes to mind when thinking about my daughter is, I hate the world today. Of course she's 16 now and most girls are 'hating' life at that age. But, the problems I thought I may encounter with my son, not only did I encounter them and more with him, I have had to deal with her as well. She is a very outgoing, free spirited lil thing. I knew she'd want to try things, but I knew she had a good head on her shoulders. But, the divorce made her sad and trying things became a good way to leave this world behind even for a few minutes. And then she started to lose the relationship she had with her father and that was huge. She was a Daddy's girl, 100%!! Now she doesn't want to speak to him because of the choices he has made. She has started smoking cigarettes, loves smoking pot and apparently lives the taste of beer. I guess I'm considered lucky because she is open and honest with me. Actually, I do feel lucky that she feels she can talk to me about pretty much anything. But, I'm so worried! 

As a parent you feel like you failed. Having an ex that has screwed up in so many ways, I feel myself wanting to blIm him also. And honestly, it most likely has a lot to do with both of us, along with the things that she has gone through personally and her personality type in general. Maybe she would have tried a lot of these things even if we were still together today. But, none of that matters now. 

Now, the only thing that matters, is her health. How can I help her to quit smoking? How can I help her deal with life, life's let downs and her anger without needed tobacco, alcohol and it drugs as a crutch?!?! 

And I see how her two youngest sisters look up to her, so how can I keep them from following her down the same path? 

I almost keep her home too much. I rarely let her go out. I want to keep her in a bubble hoping she will forget that other part of her life. I know this isn't reality. The moment she is away from me, she sneaks a ciggarette. And when she's with get friends, I'm sure she's doing more than that. So how can I let her go have fun, hope that even if she does try things like a lot of kids her age are doing, that it will be just for now, just while hanging out and it won't turn into an addiction?! 

That's the hardest part about being a parent. What's normal? What's not? What will affect them when the are adults, what will they carry over to adulthood? You don't get to know. You just pray that they make it safely through each day and stay healthy. 

So go whatever reason or reasons my son or my daughter started doing these things or will start other things doesn't really matter. What matters is that I stand by their side and help them when they need me and try my best to show them the right way without shoving my way. 

I love all of my babies that are growing up too fast!! I hope they will always know I'm here and I will be here for them always and for anything they need. 

Oct. 16, 2013 Court

Well, I did it. I took him back to court. He saw them less than 25 days within the last 365 days. So, Yes, I get my girls way more often and yes, he should pay accordingly, but I honestly hoped and prayed that the fear of having to pay me more money would make him see them like he used too. Help him remember the kind of father he used to be... 

So we went to court and I guess you could say, I won.. But, I don't feel like a winner. I feel sad and sick to my tummy. I got custody of my girls, I do love saying that!! They are my babies!! But, he didn't even fight it. He gave it up.. That just breaks my heart! What is wrong with him? He didn't get upset or mad at all until they said he had to pay more money. And I'm sure everyone is thinking that's what I was after, but it wasn't, it isn't. I want him to be their Daddy!!! 

So nobody won!! Actually the only people that really lost are my children! Extra money doesn't replace their daddy!! 

So he will continue to hate me, continue to distance himself from his children. 

And I will always love who he once was because he gave me my baby girls and I will always hope that one day he will find his way back into their lives and be there for his girls again.. 

As for now, I'm using the extra money for the younger two to finally take gymnastics and for my older daughter to get her license and maybe her first car. My son still needs help now and then, so it will be easier to help him with my money if I have more for the girls. But he needs to start paying his own bills, so I have to stop helping him as often too, but that is so hard to do.. But he is taking classes and hopes to have a job before the end of the year!! 

It's almost the end of 2013 and even though I was fearful of that number 13, I'd say it's been an ok year except for the loss of my sweet Grandaddy. 

I love you my sweet baby boy and three sweet beautiful baby girls!! Every single day and forever and always!! 

Love me!! 

She missing her Daddy and it shows

You know when you've just ended a relationship or you've been single for a while and you see a cute couple holding hands or just laughing and being sweet together and you can't help but smile, but you feel sad too. Well, today I saw that look in someone's eyes. It was my 9 yr old little girls eyes and in her face too. It broke my heart! 

I walked in about to sit down to watch tv with everyone else and stopped to look at all these silly girls and my sweet Zach. And there I saw my lil girl looking over at Zach holding his lil girl and rubbing her back and it was written all over my babies face. She was missing her daddy. Her eyes were so sad. My heart just ached for her. I walked over and gave her a big hug. I whispered in her ear and told her that, I loved her and that I could read her mind and just wanted to make sure she knew how much I loved her. She squeezed me even tighter and wouldn't let go. So I whispered, you know your daddy loves you too, right? And I felt her nod a tiny bit. Normally, I would call or text a father or any parent and let them know how much they were missed, but I have done that in the past and I got either no response or I got fussed at. So I guess I will hug my baby girl and pray that she knows that I love her so much and her sisters and family love her too. It was just so sad to see.. 

Back to school for the kids... AND FOR ME!!!!

Waiting for my latest homework assignment to upload... And I sit here wondering if I can actually do this. I know its all new, going to school, but its been so hard and even though the school work is challenging, that's not whats been so hard. Its the kids and the housework!!  Don't get me wrong, Zach is a huge help!! I knew they were spoiled, but geesh!! Becca is having major headaches and they started about a week or more ago. Now they just won't go away with any pain killers. I'm worried about her! So I have that to deal with that and a doctor apt for her later today. Hopefully, that will bring some answers. But, even if she is feeling better, umm she will still have dishes and left over food in her room. I know that's typical, I remember my brother being awful about that. I used to help mom and would find the most disgusting things in his room. But, even the little ones, they go for one snack and then I find jelly everywhere. They are so creative and have great imaginations, but anyone with a creative kid always on the go, knows that means a big mess mostly everyday that they don't clean up!!
How can I be there for my kids, get their school forms done, doctor apts made, give them my love and actually do well in school at the same time?? Im so excited to finally be on my way, but scared to death that Im going to fail or my house is going to be a sticky crumby mess!! Sticky floors and counters make me cringe like fingernails on a chalkboard kinda cringe!! We went to the beach before I started classes and I hadn't quite unpacked and cleaned up after the trip before I started getting ready for school. My youngest was tired and having a mean moment when she screamed, Your house is a mess! I swear that killed me! Being told that I had a dirty house is one of the worst cut downs for me!!
I have 6 'A's in one of my classes already, but we do our work in class. My other class, we get homework and here I am trying to catch up and hope to go to the bay this weekend and I just don't see it happening.
Ugh. Anyway, Just needed to rant a lil while my file uploaded..
As the lil train once said, I think I can! I think I can!!
Oh and my sweet 16 year old even caught a pic of me on my first day back to school. LOL
Here I am.. Ready to go!!

It's not the guy, but the bond of being a parent...

Sometimes, I look at photos, watch videos of when the children were babies or laugh at stories with the kids about the past and the smile on my face has a secret deep hidden pain behind it. I can't share this pain because it wouldn't be understood. My new boyfriend would think I'm still holding onto feelings for my ex. My family would wonder why I would be sad over someone who probably has more anger and hatred towards me than anyone has ever had towards me in my life. I often wonder why the pain is still there myself. Yes, at one time there was a lot of love we once shared, my ex and I. Yes, I thought we would be together forever. And yes, there are also many reasons why it didn't last and why we are better off today because we are apart. So why does this pain linger? Where is it from?  

But, today I had a thought... 

It's not my ex that brings on the deep heart wrenching sadness. But, the bond you share with the other parent of your children. The moment my three daughters came into this world, he was there with me. Besides the doctors and nurses, he was the only other person with me to see their sweet face for the first time, to hear their first quiet little cry. The scare we had when our youngest couldn't breath on her own was shared by us together. The first thoughts if our very first daughter coming into our lives, the day we went to the hospital, the names we discussed, the room we had ready and waiting for each child to come home to. The first day of kindergarten. All of those things meant so much to me and no matter how much he has changed, I know I wouldn't have my children without their father(s). So i will always be grateful for that ex of mine. I wouldn't change what we once had, I wouldn't change a thing about our three lively funny sweet little ladies! And when you share 13 years of their life with that other parent and then they suddenly decide you are not even a friend of theirs, it's hard. You lose someone that can share loving and funny memories and stories of the babies first few years of life.  

So I guess if I had it my way, I'd wish for peace and have the ex as a friend to share the children's lives with. Just because we have moved on with our lives, we are still and will always be the only parents these children have. And I think they deserve to see us happy together because after all, we should still be happy and proud of the three girls we created!! 

I am sure we will create a lot more memories with the wonderful new people in our lives and I am looking forward to that. 

But, I just hope the children know and I wish the Ex knew that: There is so much happiness in my heart for each and every child and for every moment I have spent with each child that I can forgive the ex for most anything, just to give the children an hour of happiness with both of their parents. Im sure that having both of their parents smiling and proudly standing tall together would mean the world to a child. We should be proud because, after all we did create that special child together!! 

No matter how it ended, who we ended up with, we are their parents. that bond cannot be broken. 

I'm not perfect.. Not even close..

I've never claimed to be perfect at anything in my life. Heck, I've never had enough confidence or courage to even brag about something I knew I was good at. But, that didn't stop me from wanting to be a mom my entire life.

I had no clue how hard it would be. I had no clue how often I'd lose my patience and say things I wish I hadn't. I've even popped a hiney or two a few times and hated myself for that. I never knew what was right or wrong when spoiling or disciplining my babies. I still don't know!! Some say I'm too easy, but others say my children are normal and I'm doing a great job. It's hard for me to know the difference. I grew up being a 'goody goody' for most of my life. So its hard to know if my teens are normal teens or if i should force them to be like me. I honestly never really let 'my hair down' until I was in my 30's and even more after my 2nd hubby walked out on me. 

I remember feeling like all my life I'd done what was right. I said, No to drugs! I never drank until I was 21. I never tried cigarettes and I hardly ever even used a curse word and now my life was torn apart. My husband that I loved so much was walking out, my son was going downhill and I felt lost and hopeless. I thought it was so unfair that I'd followed all these rules in life and yet, life was giving me crap. I almost gave up on myself. I felt like giving up on everything, but I could never give up on my babies. 

If I had any energy it went into my children and let me tell you there were days when I was so depressed and careless about myself, there was very little energy. But, if one or all of those children of mine needed me, I snapped back into life. Whether they were 18 or 6 years old, I was there. I don't think I've really slept well since I had my first child. But, I know they will be grown one day and I will have the time to sleep in late in the morning and even nap during the day if I want to. And I know, I will miss all these crazy days, well most of them. 

I just hope they know that even though I lost my patience and said mean things on my bad days from time to time or burnt the pizza or lost a toy or shrunk a shirt in the wash, I never meant for any of them to have anything less than the best and I always wanted them to be happy!! I hope they remember the fun and the goofy times we had because I remember. I remember all of their funny sayings, faces, jokes, mistakes that made me giggle, outfits that made me want to scream, but also compliment them too because they had dressed themselves all by themselves!  They have made me cry, angry, sad, hurt, laugh, giggle, happy, surprised, smile, and love being a mother every single moment of everyday! They make me proud for who they are in their hearts and they are my most favorite people in the world. 

So, no I am not perfect, but I do try hard everyday for my four perfect little crazy babies!! 

I love you guys!! 

❤❤❤❤