One crazy week!

My youngest ones had a wonderful week at vacation bible school and I was so proud of myself for getting them there. Every summer, I mean to register and take them to it, but I end up wanting to sleep in instead. But honestly, who am I kidding, they never let me sleep in anyway. But tomorrow they have their last day and then it's the big musical skit they put on and dinner and I couldn't be more excited!! 

On the other hand, my son is still struggling with money, but he did get a part time job!! I'm so proud and happy for him! This is going to be huge for his self esteem and paying his own bills. 

Then my silly 16 yr old was doing dishes as I had asked her to do and at the same time, she tried to make pasta. But ended up spilling the boiling water over on her hand. It looked awful and she was screaming so bad. I raced her to the er and they dressed it and gave her a shot of morphine. So far, she's healing up pretty well. But, there was a moment when after her father told me, "No", he couldn't help me with her meds that I was nearly brought to tears. I couldn't let her go through the night with a 2nd degree burn with no pain meds, but I didn't get money until the next day. So I stood there literally digging through my purse for change. And when I somehow found just enough change for her pain meds, I had tears in my eyes and chills all over! I knew God must have helped me out with that moment!! 

But, it was that moment that made me rush home and look at the credits I have in college already because I want more for my babies! I don't want to ever have to feel helpless when it comes to not having money for something one of my children needs. I always make out just fine, but emergencies are not in the budget and there is no savings, so something has to change! And it just may be this year that I start making that change! 

I love these kids, I love my boyfriend, but my children are my responsibility and if their daddy is too busy or just doesn't want to help, then I need to step up and be everything they need! 

I won't lie, I'm scared of failure! Scared of getting overwhelmed! Scared of having more panic/anxiety attacks! But, not so scared that I won't try to show my girls and my son to always try to better yourself, to reach for more and I'm not to scared to try to do more and make more for my children, boyfriend and myself. 

So for the love of my children, I am going to do better, learn more and i am going to try and earn my degree! 

It's better late than never. 

Good days, Bad days, I want to cry my eyes out days..

Of course, we have our good days where we find a good movie to watch or dance in the warm summer rain or find a lil cash and get to enjoy a nice meal out. And yes, there are bad days where we get bored or we didn't get enough sleep and we all start taking things out on each other. But there are other days. The ones that bring me to my knees. The ones that  have me praying to god to help me through it all. Those are the ones we seem to be having a few of lately. I think it's partly because I'm already stressed and worried about money and about my daughters relationship with their father. First, I have my son who still cuts on his bad days, hasn't worked since January, leaving me to pay his rent and other bills. Then he calls me for cigarettes and I honestly want to knock him silly!! I have no money left, he needs to find a job, but he has the nerve to ask me to buy something for him that is unhealthy and a habit that he obviously can't afford.. Grrrr Then my teen daughter who is actually doing pretty good, but she is still struggling with her dwindling relationship with her father, the drama of being a teen. She is up and down with her moods and I hate to see her hurting. She also likes to try things and has tried things like marijuana. I want to scream Noooo!! I just want her to stay home all the time in her pretty room that she painted and decorated herself and stay safe, but that's not possible. I have to let her go out into the world. I just worry so much!! I hope she knows how proud I am of her and that it isn't distrust of her that makes me say No to some of the things she wants to do, it's just my worry and my knowledge of this crazy big world that has me wanting her home with me.

Next is my 8 year old who seems to be possessed by the devil these days. She is so smart, independent and very outgoing! I love so many things that come with her strong personality, but when that personality turns on a person, it can be cruel and downright dangerous. I have noticed the worst fits are usually stemming from not seeing her father or jealousy over my boyfriends daughters. She is getting very attached to 'things' and won't share anything even if she's outgrown something. She hates that his girls like me now and even though she has become very fond of my boyfriend, she is not accepting his daughters as well. But the fits are getting out of control. She says horrific things. She bites, pulls my hair, kicks, hits and throws things. I have tried everything and even though I end up scratched up, etc, the only thing that seems to work is sitting down and holding her tight until she has tired out. I honestly think she needs to see a doctor. I feel like she needs a prescription of some kind to even these temper tantrums and ups and downs out. Cause I just don't know how much more I can take. It hurts me, breaks my heart and leaves me bruised up. It's not healthy and has to stop. 

My youngest is actually the easiest to deal with. She just wants everyone to get along and constantly tells us she loves us! Although, she does still have lil peepee accidents day and night and she never wants to leave my side. It can be frustrating, and a pain to have to keep reminding a 6 year old to potty or to go change, but she's not throwing huge fits or being lazy, cutting herself, crying over boys or having anxiety attacks.. At least, Not Yet.. 

So here I am, tired, stressed, sometimes very sad and scared that I will never be enough for my four babies. 

My heart had a new view today..

After having the father of my children be pretty angry at me for the last week or so, not that this is anything new, I couldn't help but look at my babies differently today. Seriously, The man has lost it. Telling the mother of his children to dig a hole and bury myself in it. I know he says all of these mean childish things when he is either angry and or drinking, but still for some reason it hurts and I still get shocked by it. But, now I can see looking at my children how happy I am and how happy they are with me, even though they miss him, they really are happy with me. Thats what I want to see. That is what I will look at and I hope they will remember this too. The laughs, giggles and funny jokes we share. Cause that is more what life is all about. The parts that hurt will hurt bad, but the other parts that make us smile and laugh and love, those are the real parts in life that will be with us forever to remind us how life can be.  So on with how our morning went with my hearts new view.. 

The alarm went off loudly and way before I was ready to hear it, like it always does Monday through Friday and then its time to gently nudge and nudge the little ones until they get up. And in the back of my mind, Im always praying and hoping for them to get up in good moods. I got lucky today, they were smiling and giggling and ready to get dressed and even have their hair done in pig tails. I love their hair that way. Too cute!!

Then as they ate their breakfast and I sipped my coffee, I realized what this angry ex of mine is missing out. My heart had a new view!! Not only am I lucky enough to have this time with them, but Im also lucky enough to not take it for granted. Yes, I checked my email and looked at my Facebook on my iPhone as they ate, but they were still right in front of me chomping down their cereal and talking to each other about whether they had gym today or art. 
I then put down my phone and did my usual,  "you two have a great day today, eat your lunch and be nice to your friends, I'll miss you and love you both so much" speech and then we were off running to the van. We drove today because Alyssa had a project and it was raining. She worked so hard on it, so I wasn't going to let it get wet or messed up by friends on the bus. 

They give me big bear hugs every single morning and funny wet kisses right before jumping out of the van and I tell them I'll see them at the bus stop. Then with big smiles and blowing kisses, they were off to have their day in KG and 2nd grade. They are growing up so fast.

And I won't miss out on one single thing if I can help it. Im going to be there for it all and that makes me and my heart so happy. Yes, I am still sad that at this point, their father isn't there to see all or any of this, even missing things at their school that they are so proud of. Yes, I keep hearing that its his loss, but they lose out too. I know it hurts their lil hearts. But, Im there, their big sister is there, their big brother, their family is there and even Zach. And I know they won't forget that. 

So with my new view on what I get and what I will never take for granted, I will go now to enjoy more of their day and be back with more updates about my wonderful moments that I get to have with each and everyone of my 4 children!! 

2013 and still trying to get it right..

Well here it is 2013 and I'm 39 years old.. I am a mother of an 18 year old son and three daughters ages 16, 8 and 6. And to all the new mothers out there, I still don't know what I'm doing. What works with one, doesn't work with the other. Heck, what works one day on one may not work on that same child the next day. I learn everyday. Most days are busy, giggly days with all these lil girls, but some are emotional roller coasters. That's to be expected with girls. And as lucky as I feel to have a sweet sensitive son, it does become a lil bit overwhelming with all four of them coming to me via text, phone call or pulling at my leg with each of their heart breaks. But I wouldn't change a thing as far as them coming to me. I love them all so very much! I hope they know this! I think they do, but being a mom of four, I always wonder if any of them feel left out at all. I do however wish I could make them happier and stronger individuals. I think all parents wish that for their kids. But, I pray and hope and push so hard for them to be happy. 

I guess I should give you a little back ground on us. We were once a family of 6. I think we were pretty happy too. We had our fights, yelled a bit, but it was mostly normal and each of those children, when they were young, knew they were loved. But after 13 yrs of marriage, their father decided he no longer wanted to be married. I didn't take it well and fought like hell to keep my family together, but it scattered apart fast and hard.

Slowly the father that was so hands on, involved in everything they did, became distant. And within the last 4 years of us being divorced, he has gone from seeing them for four days at a time to possibly once a month for one night. He never speaks to his son and his teen daughter won't speak to him. 

I lost my father when I was 13 years old and still miss him everyday. I have cried watching them lose him and watching it take a huge toll on my 8 year old. She has days where she just needs to cry, but ends up almost starting a fight with someone until she is rolled up into a ball just crying herself to sleep. She has said that she knows her daddy loves her, but she says he should want to see her more if he really loved her. I hate that and find myself covering for him, telling her he does love her, that he is just very busy. I can't imagine being 8 and thinking my father has just decided that he doesn't have time for me..  

Now I have tried to make him pay more the last year or so hoping he'd decide he'd rather see them more than pay me money. And he does love his money. And to my horror, he decided to pay me more and call me a lazy person just trying to live off of him. But, if he saw them more, he could pay me less!!! So why does he chose to pay me more rather than see his girls?? 

So here I am starting a blog because honestly I don't know how things will turn out with my girls. I don't know what their father will ever choose to do, but I want them to know what I did, do and will always do to fight for their happiness even if it does mean I get to get bullied by him or anyone else. 

I have finally found love again and I hope they can see what a loving couple looks like and how you should act towards someone you love. And I hope my girls and my boyfriend's 3 girls will grow up to find what Zach and I have found in each other. 

Until next time, I'll continue to learn, fight, dance, giggle and love all of my babies!!